Now, like I said at the beginning of this book, what I write here is based on my own experiences. Therefore, here, I would like to talk about my own thoughts toward my mother.
I used not like my mother very much. However, I know my mother is the person who gave me life, and I do not mean I hated her.
I believe, if evaluated based on common sense, my mother would be given a passing grade. My mother is not a bad person. Therefore, I had no reason to hate my mother. As far as I remember, my mother never treated me unfairly. My mother never abandoned her family. She never caused me any trouble due to selfish reasons. She never did anything that could be considered as child abuse. She neither forced me to study hard or neglected my education. Therefore, I am not saying I have anything I want to complain about my mother.
That said, I still need to admit I did not like my mother. Perhaps, saying that I did not like my mother watching me might be more accurate.
I kind of always knew that the reason that I did not like my mother was not because she said or did anything in particular. I kind of always knew the reason had something to do with myself.
I always felt there being a thick wall between me and my mother. I always thought my mother was trying to control me by watching me. Every time I felt she was watching me, I always told myself, "I am not like you." Whenever I told myself so, I felt myself being very cold and arrogant. I did not want to become subjected under her control, so I always avoided her. Like I earlier said, my mother was not a particularly bad person, so I could not understand why I felt the way I did toward her. This is the way I felt about my mother before I came to pursue this study of the heart.
Subsequently, after a few years since I recognized the way I felt about my mother, I came to pursue this study, which teaches practitioners—such as myself who did not like her own mother—to reflect on one's thought that surfaces toward one's mother and turn one's thoughts toward one's mother. I just said, "I came to pursue this study," but it might be more accurate to say that my circumstances came to require me to pursue this study. Subsequently, as I began to pursue this study, I came to understand with my heart that I was the one who arranged my own circumstances so that I would have no other choice but to pursue this study.
Pursuing this study was an opportunity to reflect on my thoughts that surface toward the person who gave me life, whom I did not like until then. It was also an opportunity that helped me realize and accept with my entire heart how foolish I had been. The opportunity enabled me to become able to feel that way. As I pursued this study, I came to realize how I had arranged my own circumstances in a way that would leave me with no other choice but to pursue this study.
Therefore, in the process of practicing this study at seminars, I never felt depressed by the darkness of my thoughts that surfaced toward my mother, as well as those around me. Instead of feeling depressed, I only felt convinced that those were my true thoughts I had toward my mother, as well as those around me, and I therefore only felt happy. I was happy for two reasons: 1) I was able to realize that the thoughts that surfaced toward my mother were dark and 2) I was completely convinced that coming to such a realization was the reason I was born.
My thoughts surface most straightforwardly toward my mother than toward anyone else. My thoughts that I wrote in my notebook back when I first began pursuing this study were all centered around myself. I realized I had taken everything that my mother did for me as granted. Therefore, I found myself writing more things that my mother did not do for me than things that she did do for me. Then, I came to the realization that my thoughts that surfaced toward my mother were no different from the thoughts that surfaced toward god(s) that I turned to for salvation when in trouble.
My thoughts that I wrote in my notebook then began to surface through my own mouth as dark energies.
I found myself screaming, "Die, die," over and over again so many times that I myself was not sure how long I could have been screaming so.
Seminars enabled me to allow my thoughts I had about my mother but had put a lid on to surface. Seminars allowed me to feel my own dark energies, and that made me happier than ever. Subsequently, I realized that the person who gave me life this lifetime had nothing to do with the way I felt about her. I realized that the people who give us life are serving the role of a trigger to our dark energies that we have put a lid on for so long.
I came to realize I did not feel the way I felt about my mother because of something she said or did. I came to realize feeling the way I felt about my mother was not going to change a thing. I came to realize the reason I did not like the way my mother was watching me was not because she watched in any particular way but because I could not accept her. I came to realize that I was wrong for not liking my mother and that I was full of darkness. Eventually, I realized that my mother agreed to give me life and be my mother so that I could realize that I was full of darkness. Then, I realized the following: I felt happier, the stronger I felt my own dark energy.
If we label ourselves, the person who gave me birth is my mother and I am her child. My mother and I are related by blood, and I am not sure whether there is a stronger connection between people than being related by blood.
What I am trying to tell my readers in this chapter is not about the strong bond between a mother and her child. Rather, I am trying to say that the world of consciousness and vibrations work in a way where those with a physical body and role will come to serve their roles properly.
When my mother grows old, I will take care of her not because the general public expects a child to do so for his/her mother; I will do so because that is what a person should naturally do without being expected. At the same time, I believe anyone who comes to know the true world with his/her heart will naturally come to think in the same way as myself about taking care of one's mother.
Lately, what makes me sad while watching the news is that there are people who cannot even serve their roles properly. I cannot understand why a parent would abuse his/her child who has not yet even reached the age of 10. There are also people abusing their old parents despite being old enough to know better. Of course, I know the causes of such horrifying incidents cannot be attributed to such relationships as parents, children, and spouses relating to people's current lifetime because they have to do with those relating to their past lifetimes as well. I know that those who get involved in such horrifying incidents need to reflect on their past lifetimes as well.
We are at a time when the darkness of our hearts gush out like a volcano. Unless we understand that we are at such a time, we will become controlled by the darkness of our hearts and become the victims of toxic relationships between ourselves. Incidents we see on the news lately reflect this fact. On the other hand, while I know the preceding as being true, I still find myself thinking why a person can abuse—and in some cases even kill—their own child. The same goes to other incidents, such as parent abuse and murder. Watching such news makes me sad.
Now is a time when parents, due to their own ego, greed, and ignorance, commit abuse and in some cases kill their own children, and children do the same to their parents for the same reason. In addition, the same applies to spouses and friends. Feeling that no one understands them, people also vent their anger toward others they do not even know, injuring others like doing so means nothing to themselves.
People have become so controlled by money and their greed that they themselves have become victims of their own selfish uncontrollable energies, which realization makes me sad.
Of course, those who come to be abused and murdered are also responsible to some degree. It is wrong to just blame the outcome on the offender.
That said, I do think the tricks that people use to abuse and murder others has become unspeakably cruel, for which reason I feel that the darkness in our hearts has become even darker. We have entered a time where the gushing out of our insane energies has become an unstoppable, common thing.
Incidents that have to do with the Internet and drugs are also the gushing our of our insane energies. In addition, while indiscriminate terrorism is not a common thing yet in Japan, it could also become so in Japan in the near future.