Are you not lonely?
Do you ever feel all alone?
Even if both your work and private life are going well, even if you are surrounded by many friends and each day should feel fulfilling—have you ever, in a quiet moment, sensed an emptiness in your heart, as if a hollow cave had opened inside you? Have you ever felt an inexplicable loneliness or an aching sense of emptiness?
No matter how much energy you pour into your work, no matter how much you drink, swing golf clubs, sing songs, travel, dine, shop, or play sports, no matter how extravagantly you spend your time, or even if you immerse yourself in virtual worlds—do you not still find, somewhere within, a part of yourself that feels detached and cool?
Take heart.
You are not the only one who feels lonely.
In truth, everyone is lonely. Human beings are, at the root, lonely beings. Because of that loneliness, people are constantly seeking something, endlessly wandering. Some express their loneliness directly, while others reveal it in twisted or distorted ways.
Yet here lies a problem: many people do not even realize they are lonely.
For example, if you ask someone who lives under an overcrowded schedule—so busy they feel there are not enough hours in the day—"Are you lonely?" it is unlikely you will hear an immediate "Yes." More likely, you will hear the opposite:
"I'm doing great. I've never thought of myself as lonely. Life is fun. There's still so much I want to do. You only live once—you've got to make the most of it."
That, I think, is the kind of answer you would often receive.
In reality, many people do not know what loneliness truly is. In fact, I would say that most people don't. Not knowing, they simply keep pouring their energy into something, losing themselves in one thing after another. Sometimes, even when they sense the path ahead will lead to ruin, they still choose it. To outsiders it may look foolish, and even the person themselves may not understand why—but still they cannot stop, cannot turn back. Such things really do exist.
So then, why are human beings lonely at the core?
And if we could understand this, would we no longer feel lonely?
I believe so. If we truly understand—yes, if we understand with our hearts—then we can say goodbye to loneliness, once and for all.
Conversely, if we fail to understand, then we will forever carry loneliness with us. We will go on endlessly searching for something to ease or to distract from it.
Indeed, people have always sought love, kindness, and warmth. But as long as we drag loneliness with us, we can never truly know real love. The same is true for genuine kindness and warmth. Not knowing what true love, kindness, and warmth are, people remain as they are—lonely—carrying their loneliness forever.
Yes, as we humans are now, we cannot free ourselves from this fundamental loneliness. That is a profoundly unhappy state. We keep searching for love, kindness, and warmth, but they are not real; and so we never encounter the vast, boundless world that is our true home—the world of our true selves. Not knowing our true selves—there is no unhappiness greater than that.
And so, if someone were to ask me, "Are you lonely now?" how would I answer?
When this book was first published in 2008, I wrote the following:
"If I were to say I am not lonely at all, that would be a lie. I still carry much loneliness within my heart, much of my lonely self. Yet compared with several years ago, the difference is like night and day. The intensity of my loneliness then and now is worlds apart. I was born carrying a heart full of loneliness. And I came to know, in my own heart, that I had always existed without ever being able to say I was lonely. Once I understood why I had been lonely, and what I must do about it, then I found myself truly happy."
That, I wrote, was my honest feeling at the time.
Nearly ten years have passed since then. As for how I feel now, I would say that the sense of loneliness within me has become even smaller. To say I am not lonely at all would still be a lie. But without question, my inner self is shifting—from loneliness toward joy.
And now I can clearly see: believing that loneliness fades and the heart is healed simply because of some external thing or the presence of someone else—that was nothing but a sad delusion.
More than ever, I can now say that it is essential for us human beings to learn why we are lonely, and how we may free ourselves from it. This learning is the most important thing of all, and it is our true life's work.
This is where I am now. And you—how about you?
Still, I realize that some may find the words I wrote earlier—my "honest feelings"—hard to read smoothly. For example, they may wonder:
"What does it mean to be born carrying loneliness?"
"What does it mean to have always existed like that?"
"What does it mean to know with the heart?"
Such phrases may feel unfamiliar or not quite convincing.
To those readers, in the next chapter I will touch a little on what I mean by 'learning of the heart.'